Spiking the Haribos

Written in 2011, it’s amusing to me to look back to that time and see how I thought I was really old, ten years ago. Man, do I feel old now.


About three weeks ago, I read this weird drink recipe that involved soaking gummy bears in alcohol. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the original blog now, but it was on WordPress. Anyway, the gist was that if you allowed gummy bears to soak in alcohol, you wound up with… drumroll… wait for it… alcoholic gummy bears!

I have been a big fan of Haribo gummy bears since I was a kid. Even now, if I have a layover in Germany on a business trip, I always buy a big bag at the airport. And no, they don’t taste different in their country of origin. It’s just a thing I do.

So, loving Hairibo as I do and loving vodka as I do, well. It almost seemed a spiritual denial if I didn’t follow through on marrying these two loves. So, in short, I put a bag of gummy bears in a Tupperware container, covered the candies with Kettel One vodka, and put it in the refrigerator. And then I forgot about it until last weekend.

There was no vodka visible when I pulled them out, and the gummy bears had doubled in size. I took one moist and rubbery bear and popped it in my mouth. It was exactly like taking a Jell-O shot, except I am a lot older and not slurping it off some drunken chick in a bar. It was not bad as far as flavor or kick, but it was a complete fail for me in the flashback department.

It did give me an idea – what if you soaked Hairibo gummy-cola candy in bourbon? I just so happened to have both ingredients required for this and quickly poured Crown Royal over the cola bottle-shaped candies. Crown and Coke gummies! A week later, I tried one.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

You know, as much fun as it sounds – it was just slimy and gross. It was like I wasted great liquor on great candy. Back in my early 20’s, I had this same feeling. It was when I realized that cartoons weren’t entertaining anymore. It was the feeling of the world making me grow up. Be mature. I was changing my ideals.

So am I saying that no one should try this? Absolutely not. If you are above the legal drinking age and less old than I am (and largely, most people are), I suggest you give it a go. Just know that no matter how you fight it, you will grow up. To ultimately date myself, I now link you to The “Logical Song” by Supertramp.

I suggest you put off maturity as long as you can. Bottoms up… or gummies up, or whatever. I get so cranky if I don’t have my warm milk before bedtime.

© 2011, 2021 Mitch Lavender

New and Improved

This first appeared in Death Zone and Other Stories by Pantoum Press in 2011.  If you enjoy it, please share.

 

My hand soap advertises itself as being antibacterial. That’s amusing to me, because a property of soap is that it removes bacteria, germs and dirt. All soaps are antibacterial, so putting that on the label is like advertising that a bottle of water is wet.

We fall for this stuff though. Oh hey, this soap says it is antibacterial. This one doesn’t. Better get the one that says it is. That really is the thought process in my head when I buy stuff. I’m a well-trained consumer, I am.

This morning, I had one of those horrible tasting energy drinks. Read this as caffeine, and lots of it. But this one said it had Electrolytes. What the hell is an electrolyte? I looked it up, and apparently it means there is salt in it that causes ionization. Electrolytes help hydration, but sodium is not really a good thing for most of us, so do I want this in my drink?

Now I’m on a tirade and I’m looking at the list of ingredients on other things I eat: Disodium Inosinate, Disodium Guanylate, Titanium Dioxide, Silicon Dioxide. These are all ingredients listed on a package of corn chips. Do I want to be consuming these things? Isn’t Silicon Dioxide the chemical in those moisture-absorbing little packets that say “DO NOT EAT” on them? They make glass out of Silica… I’m pretty sure I don’t want to eat that. Titanium… that’s a metal, new-and-improvedright?

But I do eat this stuff, knowingly or not, and have all my life. No telling how much Yellow #5 I have ingested during my lifetime. It hasn’t killed me so, yay. But is any of it good for me?

Tonight, I’m having a salad. I just want a break from ingesting the chemicals I don’t understand and can’t even pronounce. I’m no chemist and really am happier not knowing. Looking at the label on my salad dressing, it has Disodium Phosphate, Potassium Sorbate and Sodium Benzoate in it. I just can’t win.

Oh! But the label says it is ‘New and Improved!’ Well that’s all right, then.

 

~~~~~

A Warm Martini is Horrible, but I’ll Still Drink It

A vodka martini is nothing more than cold, quality vodka with olives or pickled onions in it, and maybe a bit olive juice or vermouth, but that’s it. Something you never ever ever ever have in a vodka martini is ice.

Ice in a martini is a shame. How dare one dilute this refined drink with something as workaday as melted ice! Why, that is just water!

So, the challenge of a proper vodka martini is:

a. Keeping it cold while you drink it
b. Not diluting it with melted ice
c. Not having to rush the experience of enjoying it.

Don’t underestimate c. because really enjoying a proper martini requires savoring it, appreciating it, sipping it and let’s face it, if the last two swallows are warm, they are absolutely disgusting. Yes, I will drink it anyway, but it will be nasty, like cough medicine.

Here are three ways I know of to keep your martini properly cold while you enjoy it.

One: Set of 2 Acrylic ICED MARTINI Glasses (cost: $14.99)

The sell: Drinks stay really cold when served in the ice shell created by these 10 oz. Martini Glasses. The double walled acrylic design has non-toxic re-freezable liquid between the walls. Just place the glass in the freezer for a couple of hours for the walls to freeze.

clip_image002The Real: They suck. The acrylic plastic is too thick to allow proper chilling of the contents. They defrost in less than thirty minutes, which means they are single use before needing to be frozen again.

Also you will be drinking your martini from a plastic glass, which just seems wrong. Why not a paper cup? I know I sound like a pretentious jackhole fusing about drinkware, but proper presentation is part of the experience and a plastic martini glass is not it.

 

Two: A Glass Made of Freakin’ Ice (cost: If you have to ask, it’s too much for you)

clip_image004The sell: The Absolut Ice Bar in Stockholm, Sweden serves drinks in fist-sized hollow ice cubes, and the barmaid plunks them down on a bar made of clear ice blocks. The walls and tables are also built with ice harvested from the Torne River on the border between Sweden and Finland, where the Ice Bar’s management has operated the widely publicized Ice Hotel in Jukkasjärvi since 1989, and the ice does not melt because they keep the place at a crisp 23 degrees F. (The ice bar and its frozen furnishings are rebuilt every six months.)

The real: Really? I’ve got to go to Sweden, then go to a building made of ice, wear a parka because it is just that cold inside, and drink from a hollowed-out ice cube? How about no? Just no.  I am not that committed to having a cold drink, I just am not.

Now, I’ve never had this experience so maybe it is better than it sounds, but the idea of putting lips to an ice cube in below freezing temperatures just seems like a bad idea. Why? To help us fully appreciate the possible ramifications, let’s click and enjoy this scene from Dumb and Dumber (Hey kids, you wouldn’t happen to have a cup of warm water, would ya?).

Three: Stemless Martini Glasses Set of 2 with Chilling Bowls ($21.99)

clip_image006The sell: Keep your cocktails chilled to perfection with this elegant set of two stemless martini glasses with 2 chilling bowls. The glasses fit securely in ice-filled chilling bowls to keep your drinks cold and refreshing without getting watered down.

The real: Really, these work pretty well at keeping your drink chilled while you drink it. I think this is the most effective refinement to the martini since Dean Martin.  It accomplishes the challenge at hand by placing a conical glass containing the alcohol in a bowl of ice, thus keeping it chilled, as long as the drinker does not remove it for prolonged periods (as drinkers are prone to do because, well, they are drunk.)

Still, this is the best solution to keeping your drink cold and enjoyable, so you can drink and enjoy more drinks. That promotes a completely different set of problems this article (or writer) is not prepared to take on.

Of course, these are the opinions of my limited imagination and edification. You might be well prepared to assess the subject differently. Fill the rest of us in, but make it fast. My drink is getting warm.

© 2012, Mitch Lavender

Spiking the Haribos

About 3 weeks ago, I read this weird drink recipe that involved soaking gummy bears in alcohol. I can’t seem to find the original blog now, but it was on WordPress. Anyway, the gist was that if you allowed gummy bears to soak in alcohol, you wound up with… drumroll… wait for it… alcoholic gummy bears!

I have been a big fan of Hairibo gummy-bears since I was kid. Even now, if I have a layover in Germany on a business trip, I always buy a big bag at the airport. And no, they don’t taste different in their country of origin. It’s just a thing I do.

So, loving Hairibo like I do and loving vodka like I do, well. It almost seemed a spiritual denial if I didn’t follow through on marrying these two loves. In short, I put a bag of gummy bears in a Tupperware container, covered the candies with Kettel One vodka and put it in the refrigerator. And then I forgot about it until last weekend.

When I pulled them out, there was no vodka visible and the gummy bears had doubled in size. I took one moist and rubbery bear and popped it in my mouth. It was exactly like a Jell-O shot.  At least, it was like a Jell-O shot as best as I can remember about it, which isn’t much.  It was the 80’s and I was doing Jell-O shots, okay?  It’s all fuzzy.  It was not bad as far as flavor or kick but it was a complete fail for me in the flashback department.

Haribo-Happy-Cola-Pack-SmallIt did give me an idea – what if you soaked Hairibo gummy-cola candy in bourbon? I just so happened to have both ingredients required for this and quickly poured Crown Royal over the cola bottle shaped candies. Crown and Coke gummies! A week later, I tried one.

You know, as much fun as it sounds – it was just slimy and sort of gross. It was like I wasted great liquor on great candy. Back in my late 20’s, I had this same feeling. It was when I realized that cartoons weren’t entertaining any more. It was the feeling of the world making me grow up. Be mature. Changing my ideals.

So am I saying that no one should try this? Absolutely not. If you are above the legal drinking age and less old than I am (and largely, most people are), I suggest you give it a go. Just know that no matter how you fight it, you will grow up. To completely date myself, I now link you to The Logical Song by Supertramp.

I suggest you put off maturity as long as you can. Bottoms up… or gummies up or whatever. I get so cranky if I don’t have my Warm milk before bedtime.

© 2011, Mitch Lavender

For those who think it is just too much trouble to pour a fresh glass of wine…

 glass-tank[1]

It’s like a beer-bong for the wine drinking crowd.  Looks absolutely fool-proof.  What could possibly go wrong with a wined-up person drinking from a top-heavy piece of fragile stemware that would spill on a 2 degree incline?   Clearly the inventor was under the influence while designing this.

Original story: Gizmodo – Wine Glass Booze Tank Is a Disaster In the Making – Glass tank

I LOVE K-CUPS

No, K-cups are not a bra size.  (But if it was… wow!)  K-cups are small, sealed, plastic cups with premeasured amounts of coffee in them.  Just pop it into a Keurig coffee maker, push a button, and 20 seconds later, enjoy a fresh brewed cup of coffee.   Literally hundreds of different coffees, teas and cocoas are available in K-cups.

b40Add[1]

I’ve been a fan of single-cup coffee brewing systems ever since we got a really nice one at my office.  We recently bought the Keurig Elite (model B40) for our home, and I love it.  Clean-up is a breeze… no coffee filters to mess with, no messy coffee grounds.  When it’s done, just pop out the K-cup and throw it away, and add water to the reservoir once in a while.

I think the K-cups are a great idea if you like having a variety of coffees and teas available, and if you are not a family who drinks a whole pot of coffee in a morning.   K-cups sell for about $2.95 for 5, or $9.95 for 18, and seem to be pretty readily available at places like Target or a number of other brick-and-mortar or online retailers.

Keurig – Single cup coffee maker – coffee brewer, gourmet coffee, gourmet tea, K-Cups