How Did You Get Here? – Search Engine Faux Pas

WordPress has a fun feature in statistics where you can see what someone typed into a search engine like Google or Bing that pulled up a link to your blog.  The results were perplexing and amusing to see for Life64.

Now, many of the queries were expected.  Searches for my name, the grate righter contest, typewriters, titles of books reviewed or the titles of my books are completely logical.  I’m not talking about those.  I’m talking about the wacky ones.  I’m talking about these:

great thoughts on life.  Boy, were you misled when Google steered you here!  You should write them a letter.

naked typewriters. The queries varied – typewriter porn, typewriter pr0n, sexy typewriter, barefoot typing, 1950s bare feet, sexy stenographer, etc.  Really, there were a lot of these.  It’s funny, because there are no sexy pictures on my site.  There are, however, lots of pictures of vintage typewriters, mostly in the post, Typewriter Pr0n.   It’s harmless pictures of old typewriters.


sea monkeys.  Who knew people cared so much about Sea Monkeys?  They are brine shrimp, marketed as a children’s pet. Now stop it.

sell grit magazine.  I have written about these ads that appeared in the back of comic books, promising kids cash, bikes and radios for selling a boring, plain vanilla newspaper to their relatives and neighbors.  I don’t think Grit is still around.  Kids these days are too smart to fall for trying to sell it.  Even real newspapers aren’t being read much, anymore.

warning zombies.  I get why the search engine linked to my site for that query, but I find it interesting that people are out there, looking for zombie warnings.

alice denham.  Lots of queries for dear Alice.  I have one picture of her on the site.  She has the notoriety of being the only woman to have a piece of fiction published in the same issue of Playboy Magazine that she posed nude for.  That was back in the 60’s, but I think it’s kind of cool that people are still interested in her, for her writing, of course.

misunderstood mitch.  Yes, I am.  Thank you for noticing.

spill proof wine glass. Who knew spilling wine was such a big concern for so many folks?

I’m crazy. This query occurred 15 times, and each time, the person clicked a link to my site.  Hrm.

vodka gummy coke. That’s right, the article on spiking gummy bears with alcohol was a big hit.  Frat parties are forever enhanced.  You are welcome.

everyone wants happiness no one wants pain but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. I only got this one once.  It worried me.

how big is 64 square feet. That is a fact I have never posted on the site, and being the namesake, I think I should.  It is 8’x8’ – the dimensions of a common office cubicle.

analogies for gay people.  This query took on many forms, gay rainbows, crazy rainbow man, etc.  I have one article where I just say I like rainbows and I’m not gay. That’s it.

I am so lonely.  I hear you.  I was too, until I met my wife.  Hang in there until you and your soul mate can find each other.  It is worth it.

ugly ballerina man. If you can explain that one to me, please do.

The list go on and on but you get the picture, and what this tells me is, I need to do a better job with keywords on the blog posts.  I’ve really disappointed a lot of people, especially those folks looking for porn.  And for that, I am sorry. Amused, but sorry.

© 2012, Mitch Lavender


2 thoughts on “How Did You Get Here? – Search Engine Faux Pas

  1. Intriguing, Mitch. I wonder that last comment has something to do with Creepy Cat? Doesn’t it wear a tutu or something that might remind you of a ballerina? But perhaps I’m mistaken…

  2. Intriguing, Mitch. I wonder that last comment has something to do with Creepy Cat? Doesn’t it wear a tutu or something that might remind you of a ballerina? But perhaps I’m mistaken…

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